hyuuga_princess (hyuuga_princess) wrote,

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Reasons of going away

So, guys and gals.

Going on net hiatus. For... idk how long. I WON'T be going online on the sites we all gather or lurk or whatevs, but I will be checking my email notifications for journal updates etc. I WILL be reading your journals, even if I don't reply. I WILL stay on lj and probably fully return from my lj hiatus. But LJ is the only place I still will be properly visiting. I probably won't appear at all that often on twitter, so for those who have me added, don't bother much. Also, if you want anything, email me or PM me here -the only fandom-related place I'll visit is lj and ofc, as I said, my emails, since I have the notifications.

The reasons are many, so I won't state them all. First though, I've got to mention the main and most important one.

Uni. studying. And I mean it.

Remember how many times I've whined about how my department in Uni sucks like, big time, and how I had no lessons, or exams, or couldn't attend classes because of no professors, riotings, takeovers etc? 

Well suddenly it's all over. ALSO, supposedly, the gaps that previous personell that was fired/somehow gone had left were filled (still getting there, actually...) but the point is that finally 1) I have lessons  2) I have professors to teach me   3) I can go to Uni like other people again. The major problem is that suddenly, to make up for the lessons that were gone when the system changed, suddenly I have 15 lessons new to move on from the chaos of little-to-no lessons those in my year are in atm. 15 LESSONS. Only for the ONE semester of the three that were lost. Clearly, atm I couldn't suddenly take on all of them so I just took about 7. Including English, I think.
The MAJOR problem with this situation though, is that all this year of sitting back and doing nothing because of, idek what was going on in there, I have grown even further apart with French. I try to cover up and make up for it with songs and movies but clearly it's not enough when I don't remember basic grammar OR sentence structure. PLUS, my inferiority complex because I can't speak it. And also, I have no books since we had no lessons; plus I have no dictionaries. There's a certain type of dictionary that everyone who's studied french in this Uni has from before getting in, and I don't. That's BASICS. And it's 2 books, each of them costing about 60 euros. I now have only one that my mom used to have when she was in school, and one that a friend lent me, and it's a pocket one. I need dictionaries, not only to study further on my own, but because I wanna get into the translating department, and THEY have OTHER types of dictionaries too... *sigh*

Anyway. Uni and wanting to study with no distractions is the main reason I wanna go off the internet, but of course, my offline-ness is tied to another major reason.

In which I'm kind of disappointed, but this entry is not to state the reasons why.

For this period of time, for this certain amount of time until the tour DVD arrives, I'm trying to avoid spoilers. I've already been spammed with gifs and screencaps of it, (I saw Kura's blue underwear somewhere... xDDDDD) so I'm REALLY trying against my natural curiosity this time. It was really hurtful not going to this concert because I was supposed to be in Japan until Septembet 2012.... Anyway. I won't talk about this subject -it's touchy, and I'll probably get emo.

Also, another reason related to fandom is because it's Eito's 8th year, AGAIN becuse I was supposed to be in Japan for the most part and I'm not, but this time it's worse because I live in Greece. Which means, for those of you who know only what the random piece of news show out to the world, no jobs for anyone, more for young people (so inevitably none for me), dad earning less and less because of the money being kept off the salaries of people, to /pay for taxes/ we are forced to pay for the debt OTHERS created... My allowance is 50 euros every month. You realize I can't exactly cover daily needs/buy clothes if I want or anything AND try to save up for any future release with just 50 euros every month... I haven't gone shopping to get many clothes like all the girls my age do; spending those 50 euros even just for a pair of shoes like it's nothing... It's ridiculous to me, I don't understand the need to buy something like that when you could be more practical, but it's entirely my choice to spend all my allowance on CDs coming from Japan. If Eito hold any events, go on tours or release anything special for the 8th anniversary, I prefer staying with the same clothes I bought 2 and 3 years ago to spend it on buying those things. The way things are, I'm not able to go and see them, try to attend events or concerts or the movie screening or anything, in the end, and since the only thing I can do is buy the DVDs released afterwards... I'm going to try and do that. Some of you... that I don't ever know how to thank or return the favor have already helped me enough times get CDs and DVDs... And I'm really, really thankful for that. You don't know how much grateful I feel. But also indebted, and a horrible friend for only receiving. That's why I don't want this to go on.

What Eito mean to me can't be explained in words. What fandom makes me feel either. Seeing things I know I 1)have no time to watch 2) can't watch until they get uploaded 3) don't even know if I can get my hands of (if they're releases) makes me so frustrated. Maybe I've mentioned this before, but my reaction to all my strong feelings is crying. I've cried so many times because of fandom, of things I just couldn't touch even virtually (meaning download or even just viewing scans), and I know that this is gonna happen again if I am online. I cried so much when my father decided to not let me go to Japan, I cried every day of the tour last year and I cried even more on the day of the countdown. I cried only at the mentions of people going there, I cried with the reports, I cried when I received the FIGHT album and read the lyrics of Uchuu ni Itta Lion and Wander because they hit a spot inside my heart -and I am still crying in frustration and despair because I've finally digested the fact that

in the situation Greece is, I WON'T be able to go to Japan even for a visit for the next 4 years in the least.

I have no money of my own and there are no jobs I can do while studying so much for a Uni department I didn't want to go to because I was lacking and got into by chance and for my family to get a bit more extra help money the government give out to families with many children whose eldest ones are in Universities. I want to buy presents to my 5-year old brother and I can't. I want to buy and send presents to my friends and I can't. I have to think of what I'll have to miss out on if I go out for a drink or a cup of coffee or a meal with a friend. I have to think of where and on what to spend even ONE damn euro. A 20-year old shouldn't have to think like that. Uni student years are supposed to be the level-headed, happy, not-a-care-in-the-world ones. I've grown up hearing everyone around me saying "when you go in Uni, have as much fun as you want because that's what a Uni student's life is for" (obviously aside of studying), and now look at this. 

My only hours of fun is Eito -or when I watch dramas, be those J or K ones. Another reason why I can't slip into other fandoms is that, with my character, when I want to follow an artist, I want to support them and I want to buy things too. Obviously, with my huge love for Japanese artists and a couple of Korean musicians, I couldn't ever FINANCIALLY support all those people... So I try to at least support my longest-loved band, which is K8. It all comes down to money, that I've despised and feared and hated with all my heart all my life, but this is it. Either I digest it and accept the fact that it's ruined my life before I was even able to DO something with it, or I don't and keep being uneasy and hurt.
The hurt won't stop either way, but if I set lines it feels like I'm maybe doing something.

It is my decision to wear worn-out clothes and shoes and buy no cosmetics or bags or jewelry or ANYTHING, really, to buy only Eito's stuff, I'm not blaming anyone, and I WILL NOT stop doing it until the day we really have no more left to eat. The few years since I started UNDERSTANDING what Eito are HAVE changed me drastically, the songs affect me greatly, but the music and the lyrics fill my heart with pain and my eyes with tears. Songs like Tabibito and Dreaming Blood and Ai no Chikara and Goujou ni GO and Mugendai and Taiyou no Kodomo and BJ and PUZZLE and GoriGori and 413man and LIFE and Aoshashin and BOY and Monogram and tte and Uchuu ni Itta Lion and Wander and Kagayakeru Butai e -just think of the lyrics, if there's translations of everything, and idk... They're HAPPY songs. Songs of encouragement. Songs about friendships, dreams, developing or freeing yourself, trips all over the world until you find yourself or a meaning... They're damn. happy. songs. I've said it before. They SHOULDN'T make me cry, but they do, and if anyone has understood anything about me in the long or short time we've been friends, hopefully you understand why they do.

Because following Eito online like everyone HURTS, because of rl being more than painfully hard, because of Uni getting in the way, I will withdraw. I DON'T know how long this is going to go on, I really don't, but I know that all these years I've been in the fandom my reactions to things have been the same with now, and so I know they won't change in the future. I'll still love them more than anything, they'll still own my mind and soul, my heart will still writhe in pain for not being able to fully support them and watch them live when it looks like it's finally their time to shine -the only thing that will ever change is my love for them. It will only grow bigger.

Someone asked me if I have any phobias, because with everything that's been going on lately, internet-wise and not, I still look like I give no fuck. Well, I have two. Losing my loved ones, and Eito, for whatever reason, disbanding/disappearing/stop making my world a little better of a place to live in.

When I say that they mean the world to me, I really mean it.

And I managed to write all this without ruining my mood, so this must mean that I'm actually coping better than I thought.

I'll guess.. see you all around? =)
Tags: daigaku, daikirai dakedo suki, depression, eito owns my soul, fandom, greece sucks, i care too much, i have no life, japan, kanjani8, personal, rl

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